It has been months since I lasted participated in the 5 Minute Friday; hosted by Lisa-Jo Baker at tales from a Gypsy Mama. The idea is to write about that week's specific prompt for 5 minutes. No worries about spelling, grammar, punctuation - unedited stream of thought. For further details and on how you too can join, check out 5 Minute Friday.
This week's word prompt is one that I have been pondering, lately: Home
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Home is where the heart is, but where is the heart?
The heart could be residing all over the place: with a job, a physical structure like a house itself, with parents, siblings, spouse, children, friends.
For most people, including myself, 'home is where the heart is' resoundingly lays firmly on relationships. The dependency on another person - like a spouse - to create a home...a feeling of exceptance, love, worth, comfort, joy, peace, happiness. That sounds fine and very natural but the truth is we are all imperfect so relying on another imperfect person to create that sense of home (as I just described) can set up relationships and one's ownself for failure, lost hope, disconnect, struggle and sin in all sorts of forms.
For the last 1 1/2 years (and more), I have struggled with understanding where my heart is resting. I have struggled, more than anyone will ever know, with knowing the location of my home. I have questioned, numerous times, where is my home? Amongst love that was being drowned by chaos of life issues; brokenness of life that hits us in various shapes or forms - I was lost. I was trying to do things my way...fix this, fix that. I was crushed. I was exhausted. I was discouraged left and right. Yes, there was love and hope and positive life stuff, but over the years the questioning took root,contentment was found (at times) but a constant battle for peace....for home....was raging.
Relational dependency on other human beings is not healthy. It leads to the wrong focus...."If life was doing 'x,y and z' then all would be well." "If we were doing 'x,y and z' then all would be well." "If children were responding like how we are told they ought then all would be well." "If finances were at ease then all would be well." "If the house was in order, or looked a certain way then all would be well." "If all these things were in order then there would be peace."
My heart rested on externals: relationships with my spouse, and children. I have struggled. Constantly trying to fix what is "wrong".....fix what is going astray. My life has not been drab; it has been filled with joy, and love. But these external dependencies as the markers for peace was abound. This need for connection, communication, and order has led to unrest, chaos, and very little sustaining peace.
Over the last 8 months or so - especially this last month - I have gradually learned that there can be peace amongst strife, confusion, chaos, exhaustion, discouragement, and imperfect relationships. There can be communion; fulfillment and love.
But NOT in the way I once thought.
My home is with God.
This is where my heart needs to solidly rest.
God is whom I need to have ultimate dependency upon.
With God as my priority - ahead of all other people in my life - my other relationships will fall into place. Maybe not easily, and neatly, but they will be healthier.
Following God's will - being in His will - is not easy. It will, many times, require the sacrifice of me...."Deanna's wants", "Deanna's ideas", "Deanna's way". Then the willingness to do what God is directing me to do.
My earthly home will still have chaos and struggles...this stuff just does not go away simply because I am living with Christ within me. My human body does indeed give way to imperfections in attitude, desires, and responses.
But, for the first time in a long time (much longer than 1 1/2 years), I feel true peace. I also feel a true deep-seeded sense of hope.
My home is where my heart is.
My heart is with God.
He, the I Am, is who I choose to sustain me, and lead me.
Communion with God, first and foremost.
I have peace.
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Side note: confession - this post did take longer than 5 minutes to write. It took about 15 minutes. I am obviously not good with writing time-constraints. Next week, I hope to start refining my writing skills; learning how to be concise in a timely manner, amongst many other skills I need to learn.
And, of note..... there is a real definition for relational dependency in the psych world, and it is pretty severe and not what I am meaning here in my thoughts today. I hope my meaning is understood without me having to spell it out word for word.