January 18, 2013
I am not a touchy-feely person. I give hugs and such, and certainly cuddle my little ones a ton, but once the kids reach a certain age (not sure what age that is) the naturalness and spontaneity of hugging disappears. It simply is not a natural response of mine. I have to think about it. It is hard for me to remember to do; it needs be apart of my consciousness for me to reach out and hug. I also do not naturally accept hugs. It simply is not second nature for me to hug; my kids, my siblings, my parents. I simply am not a person who needs it in heaping plate fulls - a small side portion is just right for me; its not my love language. I am a person who frequently gives the physical contact of saying "I care" or "I love you" or anything in that line. I will say it with my words,and such. I just do not display it with touch; not naturally.
While I am not a touchy-feely person, I do realize that others are and need it in greater doses than I, namely my children (even though they be unaware of that need). I have become a believer that my children need to receive hugs from me; an extension and exclamation that I do indeed love them unconditionally. Physical touch via a hug can calm, heal, and give a person a sense of belonging, acceptance and peace; a positive emotional state is felt even if fleeting. Weird that I believe that even though I don't feel the need to receive it all that much, and its hard for me to give without thought. Since I do believe it, I have decided to take a purposeful step towards hugging my children on a daily basis. I like to hug my children; it feels good and right and says to them "I love you" - I hope they receive it in that manner. With that said, I will never be that person who can give a hug to anyone, I do have boundaries that will not change up radically, but hopefully I will become the person who can give spontaneous and purposeful hugs to her older children and continue with the younger ones as they grow, and to give hugs to siblings,and close friends --- all without much forethought and effort. I am not going to get carried away with this, and just start throwing around hugs, and simple touch to just anyone; that would be false, you know, boundaries. I will start with my children and allow the hugs to flow daily and freely, and then, hopefully, my giving of hugs to them will come naturally without having to remind myself to do so. (by children, I mean my older ones as my younger ones are still in the range of my daily spontaneously giving of hugs...they ask for them too).
This need to hug my children daily came to the forefront of my mind when I recently read a 10 Point Manifesto of Joyful Parenting by Ann Voskamp, a holy experience, and also posted on One Thousand Gifts. I don't like that title much, but the points are solid; some I already do,and several others I need to incorporate into my life. I cannot incorporate all at once; habit would not be formed well, failure would be high. I have zeroed in on number 8 - "Today, I will hug each of my children as many times as I serve them meals--because children's hearts feed on touch. I'll look for as many opportunities to touch my children today as possible---the taller they are, the more so." That last part, "the taller they are, the more so" struck me as very much needed, and it made me feel that I am not alone in that I don't hug or touch my older children nearly as much as I do the younger but yet they still need it as much if not more.
I am starting with the act of hugging my children every time they leave the house. From there, I will work in hugging them when they arrive back home, to the other simple touches as opportunities arise; touch on the back, a foot rub upon request, hair brushed, kiss on the check, etc.
Eva-Marie (17) and Elizabeth's (15) reaction are of bewilderment. Evie has commented a few times with a "What is going on? "Something wrong?" To simply a look of, are you nuts mom? They both try to avoid, but I pursue. This morning they ran to the car that Evie drives, and locked the doors. So of course, I knocked on the window to purposefully act silly, and then stated...."at least give me a high five." Evie did, with a smile.
Ben (22) is not around much, but he too will receive hugs from me. Elliana (13) easily accepts my hugs, and always has- I want that to continue along with our morning departure phrase that we say to each other of "Peace and Joy to you this day." (a phrase I am now saying to the other children)
I love my children, even when I go berserk on them. I want them to know I love them, and feel it with touch.
Once I have #8 under solidly underway, I will tackle another area of the 10 Point Manifesto of Joyful Parenting. Ultimately, I want joy in my heart and home. -and that ultimate need/goal is for another Journal to Myself entry....what is joy? hmmm....
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While searching for the manifesto link, I stumbled upon 10+ Real Helps for the Busy Mom, and 10 Grace Prayers for Joyful Parenting which are very similar to the manifesto but different as well. I am going to keep these ones handy in my Evernote file. They can be found at a holy experience, 10 Point Manifesto of Joyful Parenting post; scroll down until you see the link for "Download a Free Copy of the Manifesto of Joyful Parenting."
6 comments:
I'm a hugger! I cannot remember if I've always been that way or not. In Hawaii everyone greets everyone with a hug. I loved that and sure do miss it! My boys initiate hugs with me, but my daughter - nope. She'll take a hug if I hug her which has of lately become the one arm hug kind of thing. We get along and have fun together but when it comes to emotions we are like night and day.
I am not a hugger...I have to really know the person or feel a strong affection for them to do so. otherwise, I think: you don't know me, why are you touching me. this becomes tricky because my church culture is hug when you see someone and maybe hug them good-bye even if you've just met. I think some of my neuroses come from that (creepy hugging men)...
I decided, like you, that with N I would hug a lot, which was easy. And Sean was easy and I realized that I am very comfortably affectionate with those I am really close to. I LOVE to hold hands. I'm not a baby-holder, but with children: I love to ruffle their hair or return their hugs.
I thought about this physical touching/proximity aspect to me while taking a Dance class (more theory than fox trot), and I remembered that my parents and siblings with whom I hugged and wrestled and leaned on, quit doing all those things with me as I hit puberty. it started to drift off up until then and I suppose it felt more natural than bereft at the time. but I feel sad about it looking back, because I think it fosters a comfort with my personhood and other people that would have warded off some of my sense of loneliness. We hug hello and good-bye now because I guess we felt the need to do so because we see each other so infrequently. It feels awkward to me. I watch my siblings with their kids and my brothers are super affectionate with their sons and daughter. my sister, less so, with her boys, and they are still young. And I wonder if they will ease off, too? I should ask them what they think.
I can read the shift for me in a couple of ways as I think about it, and have had some essay work about it. But I decided that I would be sure not to let it drift away for Natalya who is a very affectionate person, knowing it is a love language for her.
I love your heart! I am a hugger and my kids are huggers too. I did drive them nuts by saying everytime they left the house, "Remember who you are and who you represent.".
I love it. When I was a teenager I made my mom hug me every day. She wasn't a touchy feely person and for some reason I decided she should be.
"the naturalness and spontaneity of hugging disappears" That is so well put and something I have found true as well. I am not nearly as physical in my affection towards my daughter as I was when she was a child. I read something once about how it is very natural for men to start to separate themselves from their daughters in that physical sense when they reach adolescence, in part because of a conscious or often unconscious desire to avoid anything at all that would seem inappropriate. It really struck a cord with me because I hadn't really realized how my actions had shifted so much in that sense. I now try to be more conscious of giving her a hug once in awhile and reminding her that I still care as much about her as I ever did.
On the other side of that coin I am a very naturally huggy person. My parents and I hug every time we say goodbye, I have friends I hug. I even have a lady at work who is my mother's age who is at the same level of administration that I am at who has been through many rough things (cancer, etc) and every once in awhile I just know she needs a hug and it is very natural to give her a side hug just to say "I'm here, I care".
I'm glad you are making this effort with your kids and as you continue I think it will become very natural.
Wow, I think I could have totally written this post! Yep, not much of a hugger here either, and it bugs me that I've let that go with my kids too. I should adopt this same goal! But then again, I don't want everyone to feel all weird!
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