Thursday, December 20, 2012
Journal to Myself.....this, THIS is the reason
Jesus is Alive by Josh Wilson is one song that should be played over and over again during the Christmas season...during the entire year.
HOPE. That is the reason; "Sin you have no sting. Hell you have no power. Curse you are no more. Because the son of God Has not left us alone. He'll live and die and rise again, and then he'll bring us home."
And that hope: God loves me completely is what saves me from depths of despair, and a hopelessness feeling, and a fear that things will not be alright.
Nothing in particular caused my Wednesday to unravel as it did. It was the accumulation of life. I will not sugar coat it. My young son takes much out of me, and I can deal with much, but sometimes the accumulation of it all --- I just cannot handle. One kick, one hit, a pillow thrown can send me over that edge I balance on. Yesterday, the exhaustion swooped in and I broke. The constant struggle,and everday chaos of the life molecules bouncing off of me and slamming into me was at saturation level. The refusal followed by kicking, biting, and a pillow being thrown sent me over the edge when usually I can deal with these things in stride. It's that saturation level though. That particular life molecule was saturated and could not take any more. Unfortuantely, several of my other life molecules are reaching stauration level too and well, my mechanism for decreasing the saturation level was not working. Sometimes I just cannot keep it in balance. Wednesday was a horrible day, for me. I can name the numerous reasons, but it all summed up to an entire day of unhealthy worry, anxiety, and tears....many tears that started immediately after the refusal, and did not complelety leave me the entire day.
Fortunately, for me, I do not dwell there in that saturated state for long (one day at most). It takes a day for me to balance out the life molecules. Although, everyday lately, I feel the sense of being close to that saturated edge. Sometimes, I wonder, will I break down completely? I doubt it. I have too many other people counting on me. I have too many other things in life that interest me. I have God, and fortunately for me, I can reach out to God - not necessarily in the moment, but afterwards...like today....I can. I cannot imagine a life without fully believing in the Son of God.
This song - Jesus is Alive - is an amazing song not only for Christmas, but for everyday. How can I sink into despair knowing that Jesus is Alive?
"Son of God has not left us alone."
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