Journal to Myself.....God protects

 

May 17, 2013

God protects. So the story goes.

There is no other answer.

God protects.

We are safe. We thank God for He must be the reason that our 17-year old daughter (Eva-Marie) smelled the smoke and we did not. She woke us around 0100 saying, "I smell something funny." I immediately left the room to notice smoke filling the house and the fire alarm going off.

We did not hear the fire alarm, deep in our sleep. We did not smell the smoke, deep in our sleep.

God protects; Eva-Marie smelled the smoke.

The fire was located under our kitchen sink in the garbage can. Can you believe that? In the garbage can flames were billowing out. The cabinet doors were hot. The metal kitchen sink was burning hot. Smoke was filling our kitchen and living room and entering the bedrooms. Those bedroom doors are always closed while we sleep; a good thing as less smoke entered.

God protects; our cabinets were not yet with flames. We caught the fire just in time.

Evie and I immediately started to dump water onto the flames. The flames decreased or were extinguished - it all happened so fast - and Robert took the garbage can and put it outside our house. The back yard patio it went; Robert doused it with water from the hose. Evie and I dumped more water into the cabinet for the remaining flames left behind.

God protects; smoke and burns are horrible things.

The smoke is a troubling factor. It affected all three of us. Evie's eyes started to burn. I felt my lips start to tingle. I became worried about carbon monoxide. I went to each of the children to check and made Elliana and Grace sleep elswhere; their room had more smoke than what made me comfortable. Our house still has the lingering smoke smell, but it ould have been far worse. Robert was the most affected; waves of nausea hit, pale and clammy. I blame the smoke inhalation and the pain of the burn. His right foot was burnt. Second-degree but he cannot walk. The bottom of his foot had a huge blister, and around his foot he has several other blisters (smaller) and his heel area has what looks like one-layer of skin peeled off. In the morning, to the doctor I took him. The blister was aspirated, ointment placed, foot bandaged with instructions to change dressing twice a day, and Neosporin ointment was placed. He hobbles along, but for short durations as the pain becomes too much. Hopefully, by Monday, he will be able to walk easily and pain free with the ability to wear his work boots comfortably.

God protects; it could have been far worse.

The smoke could have caused us serious harm especially since it also was a plastic burning smoke. Burns are not fun but the damage was minimally as compared to what could have occured with melted plastic making contact with the skin. Ultimately, the cabinets could have went up in flames; the house. It was close. Thankfully Evie smelled the smoke and alerted us.

God protects; I have thanked Him numerous times.

This was our second experience with a house fire. Our second experience where one of our children alerted us to the fire. Eliazebth alerted us to our first fire on August 20,2007 and again, we were fortunate.

God has protected us; there is no other answer.

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Journal to Myself.....back in the saddle again

 

It's that time of the year; cycling season. Yay!

I am so glad for this nicer weather because I need to be riding; it's helpful in so many ways. It's good for the body, and it is incredibly helpful to settle my mind. Cycling offers me challenges, and a sense of accomplishment. It's exhilarating stuff, and some times a big pain. What I have noticed, so far this season, climbing hills is not bothering me like it did last year. Granted, our hills are not all that impressive, but still, I would go into an almost instant mental fatigue when faced with a hill. So far, I have seen these hills as a challenge, AND they've provided a good way to use some of this over-drive mental energy that has seemed to plague me for these last few weeks.

Usually, I listen to music while riding. Music provides motivation when riding solo. Riding with someone else provides enough motivation that music is not necessary. I usually listen to Pandora as my phone does not have any music loaded.

Today was a very good ride; 20 miles. Excellent weather; 59 degrees or so with the sun shining down and light winds. One day I would like to accomplish 20 miles as a solo ride but for now a riding partner - Robert - is great as he provides the motivation for me to keep going (the ride doesn't seem so long).

 

My goals for this season: build my endurance and speed. I am not hundred percent sure how to do this, but for now, I am going to mostly do base riding. Of course, today was not base riding. Base riding is not so easy; keeping my heart rate no higher than 140 with 135 being ideal. I would like to do several 30+ miles rides this year with my average at 20 miles. Who knows, shall see how this goes. I will be fine with 10-15 miles a few times per week with one 20 mile in there somewhere. Ultimately, I simply just want to ride at least three times per week. Oh yeah, I think I should learn the art of pedaling with clip-less pedals. When I fell two summers ago, well, that kind of scared me off until now.

 

As an added bonus for this year, I have decided to run with Elizabeth. She has asked me several times to run with her, and I have put her off. I am not too keen on running. However, I would like to do something with Elizabeth, and she will not go cycling with me. Soooo....we are going to run.

I am not over the top crazy. I really do not want to kill myself. So, we have chosen to utilize the Couch to 5K Running Plan. It looks doable, I hope. There is a free snazzy looking app too. I downloaded,and it looks like it will be a helpful tool.

We plan to run three times per week, starting this Wednesday.

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Side note: Heart Rate Monitor Training for Cyclist - a pretty good and understandable article.

 

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Journal to Myself.....music, music, music

 

Riding my bike, cleaning the house, moments of calm, moments of unrest, moments of need, moments of thanksgiving, moments crying out "O, Lord...", moments of praise, moments.....music is one way I am fed God's presence, and His peace, and His love.

I can be overwhelmed, distraught, hopeless - listening to music helps to still those negative emotions. I can be happy, joyful, at peace - listening to music helps to illuminate those emotions. I have found that listening to music is another way for me to draw closer to God; to praise Him, to call out to Him for help, to give thanks, to worship Him,to center myself, to sing to Him "Your my strength, Your my courage, You fill me with love...thank You."

The following are some of the songs that have filled me over the last few days. Filled me with strength, peace, love and thanksgiving.

While riding my bike on Friday, these songs were my favorites on my Pandora playlist.

Jeremy Camp - Walk by Faith

 

Phil Wickham - You're Beautiful

 

BarlowGirl - I Need You to Love Me

 

Tenth Avenue North - By Your Side

Today, Sunday, I am finding that the following songs are the ones feeding my soul along with the ones above.

Chris Tomlin - Lord I Need You

 

MercyMe - You Are I Am

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Side note: A friend at work told me about a fabulous app - Shazam. It works great. When I don't know the song I am listening to on the radio, I use Shazam and presto neato the song title and artist is revealed.

 

 

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The Language of Flowers by Vanessa Diffenbaugh

 

"Anyone can grow into something beautiful.”

The Language of Flowers
by Vanessa Diffenbaugh
copyright: 2011
publisher: Ballantine Books
pages: 322
format: hardcover
source: library
finished reading..... March 7, 2013

Back Cover: "The Victorian language of flowers was used to convey romantic expressions: honeysuckle for devotion, asters for patience, and red roses for love. But for Victoria Jones, it’s been more useful in communicating grief, mistrust, and solitude. After a childhood spent in the foster-care system, she is unable to get close to anybody, and her only connection to the world is through flowers and their meanings. Now eighteen and emancipated from the system, Victoria has nowhere to go and sleeps in a public park, where she plants a small garden of her own. Soon a local florist discovers her talents, and Victoria realizes she has a gift for helping others through the flowers she chooses for them. But a mysterious vendor at the flower market has her questioning what’s been missing in her life, and when she’s forced to confront a painful secret from her past, she must decide whether it’s worth risking everything for a second chance at happiness."

First Sentence:
"For eight years I dreamed of fire."

My Thoughts: This is one of those books that I would have never read if it were not for a Bookclub. The title does not appeal to me; flowers are beautiful and I appreciate them greatly in nature, but beyond that, I am not a flower person. The title suggests that this book is about flowers. On one hand, this is true, but truly this book is about Victoria; her grief, pain, mistrust, lonliness. She was severly scarred growing up in the foster-care system. Her lack of guidance and love has left her wandering and unable to grow an attachment toward others. The Language of Flowers may sound depressing based on how I just described Victoria, but it is not at all. Yes, it has many heart wrenching moments. Yes, I cried several times. Yes, I ached for Victoria's pain, and her failure to bond. Even amongst all those sad emotions that tore my heart, I felt hope. That hope is there can be healing and that gentle compassionate help of others can go along a way with the healing process.

As we smoothly and naturally weave back and forth between Victoria's past and present, her story is revealed, and understanding of her personality is gained. At first glance, she seems to be a hardened person and one to not invest yourself in,but that is far from truth. This is what the book does well, it makes you stop and think. How frequently do we write a person off because they are not responding or acting as we think they ought too? Do we even pause to wonder why the person is how they are before we move on with no worries or care for them? I think we, as a whole, do this far too frequently. We move on. I know I do.

Victoria was very blessed with three amazing individuals who knew she needed space and did not force her to be how they wanted her to be. They showed her compassion and love through their acceptance of who she is. But yet, they did have standards and expectations for which they made clear to her in a loving way. Is it to say that these individuals - Elizabeth, Renata, and Grant - did not make mistakes? No, because they did. But they made a positive impact upon Victoria, and such an impact that, upon finishing The Langauge of Flowers, I had great hope for Victoria; she was etched on my heart. But what is even better than having the protagonist clearly effect me, but that Elizabeth, Renata and Grant all played important roles in this deeply moving story. For me, they are the heroines and hero of the book even amongst their mistakes.

Let me not forget to mention the flowers. Like I said, I am not a flower person, but how so utterly cool this book was with the use of flowers as a way to express ones self. Now THAT I can get into - communicating emotions, sentiment, thought through specific flowers. How meaningful. Using flowers in this way, makes me look at them in a different light. I can now see myself enjoying the gift of flowers or even the display of them if I knew there were words behind the flower(s).

Bottom line: The Langauage of Flowers is beautifully written; it pulls you in, and brings you into this deeply meaningful story and does not release you. I read this book in under a week; stayed up one night far too late with the original thought that I would just read one chapter. How foolish that thought was. This is a book that not only has the beauty of language, and ability to paint a picture with words, but also has the beauty of life and human interactions and relays how important relationships are to ones life. It reminds me of the need for each one of us to show compassion and patience for one another. And it brings to focus a real concern for our foster care system. The Language of Flowers is definitely worth the reading time.

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Side Notes: There is a fabulous dictionary of flowers at the back of the book. It is a handy dictionary. Flowers can have multiple meanings. This particular dictionary, I like, and am going to keep it handy.

iRead Booklcub is a club held through my church and meets at homes of a participant (usually the person who chose the next book) or at a local venue like Panera Bread. The Language of Flowers was my first book with this group of women. I really enjoyed my time with them, and it was super uber cool to hang with a lovely group of women and discuss a book! That's fun to me. I am now currently reading, In the Garden of Beasts by Erik Larson. This is a book that I would read on my own but most likely not for a long time. I am glad for the bookclub, I can already seeing benefits for my reading life.

Note worthy quotes:

"Hate can be passionate or disengaged; it can come from dislike but also from fear.”

“In that moment, we were the same, each of us destroyed by our limited understanding of reality.”

“This time, there was no escape, I could not turn away, could not leave without accepting what I had done. There was only one way to the other side, and that was through the pain.”

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Journal to Myself.....God is with me

 

We all have struggles in life; I am no stranger.

There are things in life that may seem so incredibly overwhelming with no endgame in sight; prospects do not look hopeful or may not look like they will bear the fruit we think.

There are struggles in my life; deeply overwhelming. I feel wounded. I feel exhausted. I feel lost. I feel despair. My body has been negatively reacting to these struggles. I ebb and flow with negativity and positive emotions.

But yet, even with all the negatives piling up; the snowballing effect of how I am perceiving things - I have hope. Things will work and things will be ok. My timetable is not working, and forcing it to do so causes even more pain and grief, and all of those dramatics of life.

I have realized, living life by my own timetable is frustrating. I should be living life according to God's timetable. If I need to wait, then I need to wait. It's not about not having action, it's about not rushing and fighting and forcing something to fit into a square when its a circle. It's about patience. It's about being willing to do things differently, but yet not giving up. This doesn't mean that my hopes and dreams will not come true; they may turn out better than I originally thought. In the meantime, I must trust God's timetable.

Every time this year, I struggle. It's IEP season. It's my boy's future being planned. But this year, struggling is especially difficult. This season is simply hard. I turn to God for strength, but this last week I have found that difficult to do. I get intense and obsessive, it seems. I worry and have great fears. This all does not do me any good.

Today, during my Bible study class, the discussion turned towards life's snowballing effect; how does it look? My mind immediately knew that answer for myself. Then, it was asked, how can God's clear words help me to gain control over the snowball(s) in my life? I am a strong person, I will not let life's struggles shoot me down. I will find a way to deal with them. I may look like I am having an emotional breakdown, but that is far from truth. Yes, I break for a moment here and there - at times. But I don't stay there long. But truly, I cannot effectively deal with the struggles using my own strength, the snowball effect inside my mind can be insurmountable at times. I need God's help; He is my hope and strength, and without Him I would surely crumble.

My action plan to combat life's sucky moments that make no sense and effect me greatly:

Focus on the Word; when I do, I feel more peace than I otherwise would...my snowball way of thinking decreases.

God is in control. I am not. This is my mantra now, and the best part is that it's absolutely 100% true.

Don't be difficult. Yep...that one is a big deal too. Know when to be firm and direct but also know when to state your case and then leave it be. Don't force things.

There is a God and I am not Him. And this is where my issue with my timetable comes in; who am I to say a certain accomplishment needs to be obtain by a certain time? I am not God so I cannot possibly know that something is hopeless because it has not already been accomplished. Hope shall not leave me, and patience for waiting will hopefully become a natural part of me; not to be passive but also to not rush.

Philippians 4:6-9 (ESV)

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. (7) And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (8) Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (9) What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

Matthew 6:34 (NIV)

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

So while I have struggles and I am being weighed down; I refuse to allow myself to have the snowball way of thinking. I will let go and let be. Easier said than done, I know. With that said, I will not fade away; I will remain diligent and in the game, but I just will not allow myself to feel that I need to be in control. I will stumble, and snowball thinking will slam into me, but hopefully I will better at being able to keep those thoughts at bay when I keep in mind.....

God is in control, I am not.

God is with me.

 

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Easter; an eventful day

Very eventful day; Easter. Some was good, and some was challenging.

Isaiah woke at about 0100, wanting to see if his Easter basket was waiting outside his bedroom door. Thankfully, he went back to sleep until about 0500, and that's when my tired mind and body had a hard time adjusting to our change in plans. Fortunately, we figured things out.

Our morning.....

Our traditional indoor egg hunt with the kids commenced at 0615. Our house is in chaos - painting walls is in process - but the egg hunt was still fun for all involved. The baskets contained the chocolate treats but oatmeal, juice, fruit leather was there too (for breakfast).

Grand plans hardly ever come to fruition, such was the case for an early morning bike ride. But, after a challenge of getting into the right mindset, the bike ride did occur with a tweak to the plan. Instead of first thing in the morning, like we planned that we would do, Robert and I headed out for an Easter morning bike ride after our family egg hunt. We went to our local forest preserve; read an Easter morning devotional and focused on Christ, and then rode around the lake. It was a very beautiful way to focus in on the meaning of this day. We hope to make this an annual tradition, and, hopefuuly, next year will afford us a longer ride soaking in nature.

We attend our church's 10:30 service; Isaiah did a decent job staying with his class. Grace attended her Sunday school class with the cousins. Robert and the girls (Eva-Marie, Elizabeth, and Elliana) attended service. Robert and I attended the Good Friday service - a moving service - so I did not feel left out with not attending the Easter service. Isaiah's involvement in church is very important to us, so, me staying with him is a necessity, and something that I would have no other way.

Easter lunch/dinner was held at my sister's home (Darcy). We spent the afternoon with family - my parents, sister and her husband (Alan) and children, my brother (Darin) and his wife (Ina) and daughter. Visiting with them is always something we look forward to, but today, the visit began with the next challenging episode. Isaiah simply just is unable to maintain and stay behaviorally appropriate when confronted with holiday events that take longer than a few hours such as today (early morning, church, and family celebration). The excitement of it all seems to be too much for him to regulate. He melted down several times, and several times we thought we would have to leave before eating...before celebrating my nephew's 4th birthday. Fortunately, we were able to withstand the meltdown challenges, but it is exhausting work coming up with distractions and activities to help him settle. Exhausting, even more so, when we are already functioning on very little sleep. He, at 7:30pm, is now asleep.

For us, Easter day should not be an isolated day. It is a day to remember everyday throughout the year. However, we do like to emphasis the Holy Week with intentional specific scripture reading. This year, we placed a symbol card onto our closet door,daily, after reading that day's scripture. Simple, but it went over well. I, personally, was in the perfect reading week with E100 as I read scripture for The Cross of Christ. E100 is a fabulous reading plan that I hope to go into further about in a future blog post. On Friday, after Robert and I attended the Good Friday service, we watched The Passion of the Christ with the girls. Watching that movie, as a family (not with the little ones) is a good way to bring home the hard truth of Jesus' suffering.

The Passion of the Christ. I have read, in a few places, that there has been talk that the movie was too violent, gratuitously. I did not recall having that feeling upon leaving the theater when the movie was first released. Friday night, I was amazed that I was able to sit in the theater to watch this movie; I am very squeamish. BUT, gratuitously violent? No. It is not. Actually, I think we - as a society - can far too easily utter the words "Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins" and various other similar phrases. Far too easily we talk about Christ's sacrifice. Far too easily we say these things without much emotion attached. We are too removed from the utter, and horrific suffering that Christ went through for us. We read scripture passages during Lent season to prepare our hearts for celebrating Easter, but do we confront Christ's suffering? I know, that for me, in the past, I have not really sat still and soaked in His suffering; I have not made it personal. This Easter season, Christ's suffering has become very personal. I have been effected. I do not want to loose sight of the fact that He freely and willingly went through an unbearable physical trial for me, and for you.

Please read the following scripture, and take some time to soak in the words.

Then the governor’s soldiers took Jesus into the Praetorium and gathered the whole company of soldiers around him. They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him, 29 and then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on his head. They put a staff in his right hand. Then they knelt in front of him and mocked him. “Hail, king of the Jews!” they said. They spit on him, and took the staff and struck him on the head again and again. After they had mocked him, they took off the robe and put his own clothes on him. Then they led him away to crucify him. Matthew 27:27-31 (emphasis added)

That passage above was after Jesus was already severely flogged (Mark 15:15). Frankly, the amount of suffering he endured before being crucified would have killed any other man. He is not any other man, he is Our Lord our God.

We hope that you, too, had a lovely Easter and was able to take a moment to reflect upon the fact that while Jesus greatly suffered --- He has risen! He is alive!

Happy Easter.

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For Darkness Shows the Stars by Diana Peterfreund

 

 

“In every letter, in every line, she saw him. He hadn't changed - he'd only grown into the man he'd meant to be.”

For Darkness Shows the Stars
by Diana Peterfreund
copyright: 2012
publisher: Balzer + Bray
pages: 402
format: hardcover
source: gift from Suey
finished reading: January 21, 2013

Back cover: It's been several generations since a genetic experiment gone wrong caused the Reduction, decimating humanity and giving rise to a Luddite nobility who outlawed most technology. Elliot North has always known her place in this world. Four years ago Elliot refused to run away with her childhood sweetheart, the servant Kai, choosing duty to her family's estate over love. Since then the world has changed: a new class of Post-Reductionists is jumpstarting the wheel of progress, and Elliot's estate is foundering, forcing her to rent land to the mysterious Cloud Fleet, a group of shipbuilders that includes renowned explorer Captain Malakai Wentforth--an almost unrecognizable Kai. And while Elliot wonders if this could be their second chance, Kai seems determined to show Elliot exactly what she gave up when she let him go. But Elliot soon discovers her old friend carries a secret--one that could change their society . . . or bring it to its knees. And again, she's faced with a choice: cling to what she's been raised to believe, or cast her lot with the only boy she's ever loved, even if she's lost him forever.

First Sentence:
Dear Kai, My name is Elliot and I am six years old and live in the big house.

My thoughts: I am not a Jane Austen fan. I know, horrors. I desperately wanted to call myself a fan but fact is, I have tried reading five of her books to only like/LOVE two. Those being Pride & Prejudice and Persuasion.

I am a fan of retellings and books inspired by another book. I LOVE them in concept, but have not loved all that I have read. Some I liked well enough but not blown away; still enjoyed them though. A couple others drew me in completely and loved their retelling.

For Darkness Shows the Stars; I loved! It was fabulously inspired by Persuasion. There were enough elements to give essence of familiarity and there were enough elements to give it its own uniqueness and that is what I loved best...I think. I knew I was reading a story that was following the framework for Persuasion but yet I did not know what was really going to happen. For Darkness Shows the Stars shined in that it was its own story.

The world was set in a dystopian-ish type world which gave the story it's own flavor. It set the tone and gave the ability for Elliot and Kai to have their own feelings and story beyond the framework of Persuasion.

The main characters of Elliot and Kai managed to capture Persuasion's Anne and Captain Wentworth's basic natures but still Elliot and Kai remained unique characters of their own. I was very much pleased, and entertained, and enthralled with the tension, friendship, desire, and love between Elliot and Kai. I was enthralled with their backgrounds and how they came to peace with theirselves separate and together. Their circumstances gave each of them their character, depth and emotions. Elliot is truly a strong female but still held within the confines of society's rules. For Kai, I had a better idea of who he was- a better understanding. The reader gets to know him through a series of letters that Kai and Elliot write to each other while they are growing up. I really liked this element of the story; insight was gained and it flowed well with present storyline.

While I loved, loved, loved For Darkness Shows the Stars - It is not a perfect read; a few quibbles I do have. But wow! There is enough uniqueness written within these pages that I forgot I was reading a story inspired by another.

The quibbles? I did like the ending but it was my least favorite part of the book. It wound up too quickly and events occurred too conveniently. I mostly felt rushed. The ages of the characters felt off too. Yes, this is a marketed YA book but honestly, the YA market still could have read it even by increasing the characters age to early to mid-twenties by end of book. Their ages just felt off for all that was accomplished. Minor quibbles these are for the overall book and didn't impede on my enormous satisfaction. Also, the title itself is bothersome. It is very hard for me to remember. Very hard. And as silly as this sounds, that did distract me at times while I was reading. But honestly, what bothers me more about the title is that my inability to remember it has made it hard for me to tell others about the book in passing and I want to tell others.

Is it a re-read? Probably not but usually retellings and inspired books are not rereads for me. The opposite is true for the originals. I re-read them if they found themselves residing on my favorites shelf in the bookcase and they usually found their way there.

Bottom line: While this is an inspired story; it felt fresh. I loved the world, and the characters who became their own beyond the original story. I was engaged the entire time I was reading. I am very satisfied with this familiar yet unique story. Very satisfied; deeply so.

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Journal to Myself.....Twenty-three Years ago

 

Twenty-three years ago, when Spring felt like Spring as opposed to today's frigid 19 degrees, God blessed me with a most amazing gift, my first child - Benjamin Robert.

It is hard to believe that 23 years has gone by so fast. I remember my labor - excruciating until I was allowed an epidural at 4cm, cruel doctors. I remember my delivery - epidurals then are not what they are now, I felt pain while I pushed for four hours, but finally at 12:16 pm, I delivered a most beautiful baby boy who was OP presentation and weighed in at 8lb 7oz. But, I also remember that it dawned on me that he was not crying and the team was giving him oxygen...it dawned on me that I should be worried; I was not as my own pain was overwhelming. I did not see him for three hours after he left the delivery room; not really acceptable to me now but then, just shy of 21 years old, I did not have any other opinion. I do remember, however, feeling a sense of loss that he was separated from me for that length of time. I also remember that breatfeeding was not so easy and not so natural; I almost gave it up completely. Thankfully a nurse ignored my request to not bring him to me after midnight if he did not wake for eating. After midnight, he awoke, she brought him to me, and success. I also remember, I never once had any fears or worries that I could parent him. I was not concerned at all with doing it the "right way". It all seemed so natural to care and love him.

 

Over the years, I have made many, and I mean MANY mistakes parenting this gorgeous boy of mine. But thankfully, it seems that he did not suffer too bad as he is turning out to be a wonderful young man. Wow...a young man, an adult he is. He is older than me when I had him and that blows me away.

 

Benjamin has many gifts and talents; photography, cycling, intelligence both book wise and common sense....to name a few. He has the capability to be warm, caring and loving. His patience, well....that is a work in progress. I would like to see him have a bit more patience - mercy and grace - towards Isaiah. I hope that cultivates once he is living around us once again; after graduation.

 

This coming May, Benjamin will be graduating from ISU with an accounting degree. I am very proud of his determination and seriousness that he has put forth towards his education. I am very proud of his hard work both in school and maintaining a job too.

He has a beautiful and lovely girlfriend of almost 6 years, Randie-Lynn. He has chosen well, and I feel as if we have a seventh child, and I welcome that. I would love it if she were to become my daughter-in-law one day...the entire family would love that. But that is a decision that they alone can make and the timeline for any such decision is theirs too.

One job of a parent is to raise their child to become an independent and productive adult. Benjamin is well on his way.

 

Before he is too independent and not needing any advice from me at all (will that ever happen, really? I'm not thinking so but just in case), I am going to start a journal to give him. The journal will be a series of "letters" regarding stuff I want to make sure he knows, learns and is aware of. What those topics may be? I am not entirely certain; I have few in mind. This journal idea has been around for a while, but now is the time to do it if I am ever going to do it.

 

I love this boy, this young man - Benjamin Robert.

I am forever thankful that God gifted me twenty-three years ago.

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photo Credit: top photo and car photo taken by Benjamin.

 

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5 Minute Friday - Rest

It's that time again for 5 Minute Friday; hosted by Lisa-Jo Baker at tales from a Gypsy Mama. The idea is to write about that week's specific prompt for 5 minutes. No worries about spelling, grammar, punctuation - unedited stream of thought. For further details and on how you too can join, check out 5 Minute Friday.

This week's word prompt is one that I have been pondering, lately: REST

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Rest is a necessary commodity. Unfortunately, I do not always get proper rest. For the most part, I do fine. Lately, however, I am not.

Work schedule change has impacted my rest which is odd considering the amount of hours has not increased. Working different days seems to be the impact aspect.

I also suppose, sleeping for 4-5 house several night in a row is not a wise thing.

My body is rebelling; I am not rested physically, nor is my mind. I am currently sick. The funny thing is, even while sick, I seem to not be able to rest well. My sleep is not good; sore throat that makes it hard to swallow, coughing, and clogged nose, and body bone chills all do not lend well for sleeping. Naps are not natural to me. Yesterday, I did nap, but felt almost more unrested afterwards. Laying down, I have been doing lots of that, but I don't know if that is really rest as my mind is spinning a mile a minute even in its foggy state. I am exhausted both physically and mentally.

Rest is definitely important; it's currently eluding me.

Thinking of my weakened physical state, and the stressors of my life, I have been reminded of a song that I love which in turn reminds me a of a passage that brings great comfort.

Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, And I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

The above passage is one I shall hang on my bathroom mirror. (my mirror is a favorite place for hanging notecards with scripture or uplifting messages)

I do love Fernando Ortega's music; a peaceful feeling is felt.

Sing To Jesus is a beautiful song, and reminds me where to lay my weariness.

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Side note: this week's prompt only took me 5 minutes to write; finally I have met the writing time criteria. An improvement, as far as writing time is concerned.

 

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The Way of Kings; Reread

 

Are you up for a reread of The Way of Kings?

I may be, not quite certain yet. But since YOU may be ready for a reread, I thought I would make you aware that over on Tor.com a reread of this most awesome book is ready to commence. This reread is to gear up for the release of Brandon Sanderson's anticipated second book of the Stormlight Archive series. Words Of Radiance is slated for release late 2013. Yay!

Michael Pye will be leading the reread with weekly posts on Tor. The first regular post is scheduled to go up on March 28th, that is two weeks from now. AND, if you would like to ready this brilliant tome in the eBook format, well, great news, it's available for $2.99. I own an autographed hardcover, and love that format, but I am thinking of picking up the eBook too.

For details on The Way of Kings reread, check out Introducing The Way of Kings Reread over on Tor.com

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What are your thoughts regarding a reread of this book? Gonna join in? Gonna reread this book at a later date? No reread in store for you? Lucky that you made it through the first time? Do you plan to read Words of Radiance?

 

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Concerts, concerts --- MUSE and P!NK

What a week; two great concerts I have seen. Before I say a bit about MUSE and P!NK, let me say this....I am NOT a fan of opening bands. I have yet to like any opening band....maybe one but really they tend to bore me and make me feel all sorts of excruciating waiting pain while I squirm and try to block out the loudness of the noise. So yeah, I have now become one of those people who does not like to show up to the concert early and would be absolutely fine being late yet on time for the headliner....except, arriving that late makes it difficult to find one's seat especially at the United Center when sitting in the 300s (another name for the 300s should be "STEEP climbing to your seat"). Oh...tip....it is wise to actually be sober when climbing those steep stairs into the 300 section. I kid you not, before Pink, there was a very drunk woman making her way up the stairs with the help of a friend. It was frightening watching her; looked like she take a spill all the way down. Also, high heels is not recommended either. Women who wore high heels had a very shaky climb.

Onward.....

Monday, March 4th was the night Robert and I saw MUSE. I am going to admit right now, I was feeling a bit blah about this concert before we even arrived. Why? Well, things in my life have seen a lot of change and with that change the music I've been gravitating towards has changed.

I still LOVE Muse; I am just not in the mood, right now. Soooo....it could be me but the show was a bit flat. Just a bit....a very, very tiny bit. I was not wowed liked I was when I first saw them back in 2010.

With all that said, I found myself greatly enjoying their show. I think they are a VERY talented group. I loved all the songs they played; some more than others. Their set was not mind blowing like in 2010 but it still was pretty darn great.

 

I have a horrible memory so I cannot run down their play list but I can say several favorites were played which of course thrilled me. They actually did a great job balancing their new songs with their old. One song, Madness, I particularly enjoyed because I not only like the song itself but the set in structure, lights and video screens complimented it amazingly well. Of course, I loved Hysteria, and Uprising was fabulouso too. Oh...the set up before Uprising certainly held my attention; sort of an apocalyptic type moment. Really, I think there were only two songs (maybe) that I was not too fond of, but otherwise the rest entertained.

The band interacted with the audience more than last time I saw them; this is still not their forte but it was fun to see. The audience was well....sort of flat - at least those sitting around us - and that was disappointing. Okay, there were two women who were whooping it up but I am thinking they had a bit too much to drink as their whooping it up didn't start until darn near the end and they were a bit over the top. But, they entertained us too.

Sooo...I was not wowed but I still had a great time. I have a fantastic evening with Robert listening to a group that remains one of my top favorites. I still, absolutely, am a MUSE fan.

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Saturday, March 9th I had the great pleasure seeing P!NK with my mom. Yes, with my soon to be 69 year old Mom; thanks Mom for taking me. It was a great night. Well....to be very frank and concise, I will simply say this....

P!NK put on one the most AMAZING shows EVER!!!

I am serious. Enough said.

Well, enough has not been said.

 

I am dead serious when I say that I was absolutely 100% awed. The amount of energy P!nk puts out is mind blowing and actually makes me a bit envious. Not only envious but motivated. Yeah....she motivates me. She is in such great physical shape; her energy and fabulous performance shows how great of shape she is in. This motivates me to continue to treat my body with respect; eating well and exercise (bike riding is my preference but resistance training is important too). Beyond that....her show is highly entertaining. A great voice, great dancing and choreography, great set - the stage and various apparatuses were visually stunning and there were great filler moments while Pink was changing or transitioning into the next number.

She played many new songs along with a nice mix of old. I would love to list all the songs but ummm....I cannot remember them all and I am writing this while my Mom drives us home from the show (pretty poor memory, I have). But, I can tell you a few of the songs that truly awed me in one way or another; Try, Just Give Me a Reason, So What, Sober, Who Knew.

 

You know what? All the songs played were fabulously entertaining; her voice rocks and each number was choreographed to flat out entertain while delivering Pink's talents in singing, dance, movement and strength.

She interacted with the audience fabulously --- not on the same level as Josh Groban (he's great) but she did a fine, fine job. I laughed several times and felt it was sooo very cool to see her raw silly moments via video clips and her chatting to the audience.

 

The audience was fantastic! Lots of fun. How could the audience not be fantastic and fun when Pink and others up on stage are having a seemingly great time singing and dancing. Shoot, there were many moments that I wished I had the inhibition freedom to dance like I do when I am in my livingroom; I moved but not like I can when I am in my home (I love to dance and move all silly).

I LOVED this part of the show. Take a look at the video, So What.

Now....view my video of the same song. It shows my perspective, and the amazing vastness that Pink traveled. Not the greatest video, true, but I like it.

What more can say? - except for this...go see P!NK if you are ever afforded the chance. It truly is one of the most AMAZING shows EVER. Seriously....beyond incredible fun.

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5 Minute Friday - Home

It has been months since I lasted participated in the 5 Minute Friday; hosted by Lisa-Jo Baker at tales from a Gypsy Mama. The idea is to write about that week's specific prompt for 5 minutes. No worries about spelling, grammar, punctuation - unedited stream of thought. For further details and on how you too can join, check out 5 Minute Friday.

This week's word prompt is one that I have been pondering, lately: Home

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Home is where the heart is, but where is the heart?

The heart could be residing all over the place: with a job, a physical structure like a house itself, with parents, siblings, spouse, children, friends.

For most people, including myself, 'home is where the heart is' resoundingly lays firmly on relationships. The dependency on another person - like a spouse - to create a home...a feeling of exceptance, love, worth, comfort, joy, peace, happiness. That sounds fine and very natural but the truth is we are all imperfect so relying on another imperfect person to create that sense of home (as I just described) can set up relationships and one's ownself for failure, lost hope, disconnect, struggle and sin in all sorts of forms.

For the last 1 1/2 years (and more), I have struggled with understanding where my heart is resting. I have struggled, more than anyone will ever know, with knowing the location of my home. I have questioned, numerous times, where is my home? Amongst love that was being drowned by chaos of life issues; brokenness of life that hits us in various shapes or forms - I was lost. I was trying to do things my way...fix this, fix that. I was crushed. I was exhausted. I was discouraged left and right. Yes, there was love and hope and positive life stuff, but over the years the questioning took root,contentment was found (at times) but a constant battle for peace....for home....was raging.

Relational dependency on other human beings is not healthy. It leads to the wrong focus...."If life was doing 'x,y and z' then all would be well." "If we were doing 'x,y and z' then all would be well." "If children were responding like how we are told they ought then all would be well." "If finances were at ease then all would be well." "If the house was in order, or looked a certain way then all would be well." "If all these things were in order then there would be peace."

My heart rested on externals: relationships with my spouse, and children. I have struggled. Constantly trying to fix what is "wrong".....fix what is going astray. My life has not been drab; it has been filled with joy, and love. But these external dependencies as the markers for peace was abound. This need for connection, communication, and order has led to unrest, chaos, and very little sustaining peace.

Over the last 8 months or so - especially this last month - I have gradually learned that there can be peace amongst strife, confusion, chaos, exhaustion, discouragement, and imperfect relationships. There can be communion; fulfillment and love.

But NOT in the way I once thought.

My home is with God.

This is where my heart needs to solidly rest.

God is whom I need to have ultimate dependency upon.

With God as my priority - ahead of all other people in my life - my other relationships will fall into place. Maybe not easily, and neatly, but they will be healthier.

Following God's will - being in His will - is not easy. It will, many times, require the sacrifice of me...."Deanna's wants", "Deanna's ideas", "Deanna's way". Then the willingness to do what God is directing me to do.

My earthly home will still have chaos and struggles...this stuff just does not go away simply because I am living with Christ within me. My human body does indeed give way to imperfections in attitude, desires, and responses.

But, for the first time in a long time (much longer than 1 1/2 years), I feel true peace. I also feel a true deep-seeded sense of hope.

My home is where my heart is.

My heart is with God.

He, the I Am, is who I choose to sustain me, and lead me.

Communion with God, first and foremost.

I have peace.

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Side note: confession - this post did take longer than 5 minutes to write. It took about 15 minutes. I am obviously not good with writing time-constraints. Next week, I hope to start refining my writing skills; learning how to be concise in a timely manner, amongst many other skills I need to learn.

And, of note..... there is a real definition for relational dependency in the psych world, and it is pretty severe and not what I am meaning here in my thoughts today. I hope my meaning is understood without me having to spell it out word for word.

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